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Excerpts from "INITIATION" by Elisabeth Haich
"One night, after I had experienced once again the greatest fulfilment of earthly love and unity, instead of falling peacefully asleep, I sat on the side of my bed for a long time brooding over my problems in abject despair. I cried and I sobbed, and in the darkness of that night, I began to examine myself cruelly in order to find out why I was so unhappy and so discontented. I had everything necessary to make a human being happy, from where could my misery originate?
"This question seemed to call forth the answer. From the depths of my subconscious, the reasons began to ascend and gain consciousness.
"I was searching for a human being, who was my other half, my complement. Love is the revelation of a power which forces two complementary halves to unite. In fact, the subconscious will to unite is commonly known as 'love'. I had experienced this union, I had attained the supreme fulfilment of body and soul and was not happy, and became more and more unhappy after each occasion.
"I sat there in the dark and questioned myself in despair: Why can't I be happy? I desired an answer and reflected intently. And then I realized that the joy of union was not what I had expected! I had searched for some sort of fulfilment subconsciously, and, having found nothing else, I believed physical love to be this fulfilment. Having experienced it, I had to admit that it was not what I had expected. After experiencing the supreme form of physical unity, I was compelled to see and realize I was looking for something else!
"I was searching for fulfilment of an eternal nature, a real union which remains! I was searching for a union in which the identity of myself and that of my lover became one and the same thing. I desired to participate in his soul, his thoughts, his whole being! I wanted to become him!
"But I did not desire what physical unity had brought me. This physical union is a desperate attempt to become one being&emdash;every fibre and muscle is strained to the highest pitch&emdash;and in the moment when both believe that they have achieved fulfilment, they fall apart....without ever attaining union.
"In the darkness a picture of my childhood appeared in front of me: I remembered sitting at the family table and trying to bring together two little grease spots swimming on top of my bowl of soup.
Yes! In exactly the same way as I had tried to unite the grease spots, years ago, I now wanted to make one being out of our two souls. Out of the two selves I wanted to create a single one. But that is impossible! In love, each lover craves to come together with the other. Yet their craving is merely a physical desire, and they strain against each other in despair. Everybody can observe how two lovers press their hearts together in their fervent embrace; they seem to be compelled to unite their hearts, to be united in their heart. But they fail! Why? Their bodies stand between them. The resistance of the body prevents the union. How strange that I should desire to become one single being with my lover in body and that the body itself should bar my way. Does my body desire this union? Can the body desire anything which is impossible by reason of the very existence of the body? No! The body cannot carry within itself a wish which cannot be fulfilled by reason of its own presence.
Who andwhat therefore desires this supreme union? It can only be the immate- rial spirit, the self.
"And why do I desire this union? Why do I want something which is impossible? I want it because I know that only through this complete concord, this supreme union, will I find satisfaction, and only in this state of mind will I achieve final happiness! This happiness I have been searching for since I began to live. But why do I search for something which is impossible to attain?
I do it solely because I know, I feel certain, that somehow it is possible, and somehow this possiblility exists&emdash;only I don't know how. What impedes my progress towards my aim? The body! The body stands between us!&emdash;Therefore, this possibility might exist, but only in a bodiless condition. I long for this lost unison. I once knew it, somewhere and somehow, but I have lost it. Could it be possible that I lived in an immaterial state a long time ago, and that, having been born into this body, I fell out of this spiritual harmony? Is it possible that I once lived in a world of complete unison, a world without corporeal elements, where I lived in a bodiless condition?
"Having got this far in the logical sequence of my thoughts, I began to feel very afraid: a bodiless state? In a world without corporeal elements? Therefore, in 'another world'? In the 'hereafter'? Could it be possible that this 'other world' really exists?
A world, in which I had never believed and which I had always regarded as a necessary invention of a religious nature, used to enforce a moral standard of living among primitive people with promises of 'heaven' and warnings of 'hell'? Is it my body alone which exists in our earthly world? And my self, which is cognizant of this impossible union of the flesh and which desires to reinstitute it, does it belong to 'eternity'?
If that is so, all human beings originate in another world where this unison is reality, and have fallen out of it into this world&emdash;into the material body and an earthly world? . . . Yet the craving for our former happiness lies in us, in our soul, which belongs to this 'other world'.
"And again and again we err by trying to attain this happiness, this unity in our body and with the aid of our inherent bodily sexuality. Yet it is the body which itself impedes our success.
Oh, now I realize what is meant by the 'fall from paradise'!! Therefore I can only reach the happiness I desire in the other world&emdash;in paradise. As I cannot force this other world into my own material world, I will strive to get to know this other world where my eternal happiness resides. But how? Empty words are of no use to me&emdash;I want reality! I want concrete facts!
"This night was the turning point of my life. I realized that sex is the greatest of all frauds! Nature promises us a wonderful event, the supreme heights of joy, the embodiment of fulfilment, yet she robs us of our powers, and when we believe we have reached the limits of fulfiment, we fall lower than ever before. We lose a tremendous lot of energy and feel as poor as beggars after the event. An old Latin proverb mentions that both humans and animals feel depressed after physical union.
"I was looking for eternal, ever-present sublimity, not what sex can give. What is left of sexual pleasure in the morning? Nothing, except possibly great fatigue! And this state of affairs is to repeat itself forever? What else is it but a continuous struggle for unattainable unison?
Never will a human being achieve the fulfilment of his strivings, never can he delve into the true concord where he can stay forever. Formerly a certainforce existed&emdash;the power of attraction, which brought together two beings in theirsearch for each other. Later on, this force is ap- peased, emptiness remains,and each is left alone, desperately alone, eternally alone..
"I realized at last: This was not the aim of my quest. And if I was not looking for this, if sex had deceived me, I would refuse to go on in this way! I would refuse to let myself be deceived! Sex can satisfy only the body, but never the soul, the Self. Never could sexual satisfaction appease this desire!
"What now? I want to, I must find this happiness. I must search for an answer to my questions. I cannot stand still, I must go foward. But where to?
"If happiness lies in the other world, I will search for it in the other world!
"And so I set out to find my happiness and fulfilment where I hoped to discover it, in the other world . . ."
These thoughts are taken from the book, "INITIATION", by Elisabeth Haich, translated from the German, EINWEIHUNG. First published by George Allen & Unwin Ltd., London, 1965. Chapter entitled "Turning Point" p. 77-79.